How to be a Better Facebook Friend

I’ve seen a lot of advice on etiquette and also how to avoid embarrassing ourselves and others on Facebook, especially in terms of how our work colleagues might view us. But I haven’t seen much advice on how to be a better friend—how to be more considerate and encourage more connection. Because there are almost always at least two sides to every issue, I’m presenting a “flipside” too—a way of looking at the irritating behavior that might soften our perceptions. 

1) Do make a comment or click “like” if you’ve read and been touched by a status update or link. Sometimes we read something, but we’re not really sure about our reactions, or in fact we disagree. You don’t have to go into a long discourse, you can just say something like, “interesting” or “thought-provoking” or “not sure if I agree; have to think more on this”. Making a very short comment takes little time, but gives your friend positive feedback that she is posting information that you relevant.

The flipside: Don’t assume people didn’t read or weren’t interested in something, just because they failed to comment. A lot of people are rushed or don’t know what to say, but they were touched or influenced all the same.

2) Do take a moment to offer condolences or sympathy to a friend going through a difficult time. I think many people fail to do this, because they feel awkward or don’t know what to say. This is a time when repeating the words of others is completely fine. There are no points for originality—just showing support is the important thing. A few quick ideas, “My sympathies are with you.” “My condolences to you.” “My heart goes out to you.” “My thoughts are with you.” Or if you are religious, “I am praying for you.” I was very hurt and angry that most of my “friends” and even some of my family, failed to offer sympathy when my sister was on the brink of death in the ICU. The comments I did receive gave me great comfort during those long, lonely night hours at her side.

The flipside:  Don’t assume that people have seen your status update, or that they know what’s going on in your life, just because you posted it on Facebook. I have missed many important notifications, simply as a result of not being logged on when they came through. If it’s important, consider tagging the most relevant people when you post, or better yet send them a private email or text or make a phone call.

3) Don’t post links to articles or videos (or graphs, cartoons, etc.) that can be perceived as controversial, if you cannot tolerate disagreement on your wall. This should be obvious, but it is not. People want to post things that are meant to be persuasive to bring “other people” around to their point of view, and then they get irate that someone disagrees with them. However much you want your wall to be your own private relaxation space, it is nevertheless a public forum. You know you have friends that don’t agree with your every view (in fact you were almost certainly targeting them with your link) so don’t act shocked when they let you know.

The flipside: Don’t offer your dissenting opinion to “friends” you don’t know well. It is clearly the case that many people do not like others to disagree with them on Facebook . If you see that a friend is often engaged in debate, it is probably fair to offer your two cents, but even then you can be surprised.

4) Do avoid vaguebooking. This has been much-discussed, but needs to be said again. Do not post random song lyrics, passages from books or quotes from movies without attribution. At best, this makes many people feel lost.  At worst, they could feel deliberately excluded. Similarly do not post tantrums about unnamed individuals.  It’s just rude and not productive.  Example: “I hate nasty bitches!” At best people are thinking, “No shit. Who doesn’t?” At worst they’re thinking you are thoughtless and cruel or they might feel anxious that they are the targets of your rant. If you have a problem with someone, address him directly, like a grown-up, or choose to let it go, truly.

The flipside: Don’t make assumptions about the meaning behind a vague post. When you see examples of this, just ignore it. We all have bad days, and sometimes we need to vent or we haven’t really thought out the implications of our actions. If someone does this repeatedly, and it gets under your skin, you can hide her updates.

5) Don’t announce that you are deleting friends. At best, no one cares. At worst, you will provoke anxiety. Just do it, and keep quiet. Also, think before you decide to include or exile someone from your Facebook circle. We should always be thinking about how to maintain and strengthen connections. If you’re not sure about someone, don’t add her to your friends’ list in the first place. If you are annoyed at someone, think long and hard about the reasons why. It is too easy to drop a friend for simple disagreement. This can lead to real world awkwardness and be damaging to personal growth.

The flipside: Don’t obsess about someone’s post that they’re purging. Ignore it. If you don’t survive the cut, ask yourself: So what? A person you barely knew chose to delete you from his friends list. It is not in any way a reflection on your value as a human being. Also, you do not know their reasons. Often times it has less to do with you than with them. It might sound cliché, but it’s true. On the other hand, if you find that many people are dropping you from their list of friends, you might ask yourself if you are falling short in your responsibilities.

6) Don’t post multiple links in a row. Keep it to two or three maximum per session. I have a few friends and organizations that I really value, who have great things to contribute, so I don’t want to hide them. But, I get overwhelmed when they post link after link. I’ve had to wade through two pages of Youtube video links to get to the next status update by another friend. This is not fair. I’m pretty sure no one wants to do that.

The flipside: Don’t assume negative intent. Most likely people who do this are caught up in their thing, and haven’t noticed that the links are piling up. Also, I know that some folks don’t post regularly, but kind of “dump” when they do get on. If this really bugs you, you can hide the person. Of course, the standard “ignore it” applies, as always.

Why I Love a Conservative (Even Though I'm a Liberal)

He's extraordinarily handsome, which is the first thing I noticed about him when I walked into a Saturday morning mythology course at my university.  But that's not terribly relevant.  The next thing I noticed, as class got underway, was that he is exceptionally articulate, sensitive, observant and intelligent.  Now I went to a state school, so in these elective courses it was unusual to meet up with another intense, passionate and engaged individual of any stripe.  As we got to know each other over the semester and during the holiday break, I saw that he was open-minded, generous, thoughtful and tolerant.  I discovered that he was a philosophy major, a musician, a soccer player, and a U.S. green card holder but a European citizen, which in my mind, added to his cachet.  I was a good little liberal at the time, who knew that conservatives were scumbag, racist, greedy, ignorant, jingoistic, religious fanatics.  So you can imagine my shock when one day, after having many lovely discussions over the previous months, talk turned to politics, and I discovered that this gorgeous hunk of Renaissance manhood, this sweet, sensitive, kind-hearted human being was, dunh, dunh, dunh...a conservative.

My new friend was bemused by my reaction.  He told me that people often got the impression that he was liberal in his political ideas, and we speculated as to why.  He certainly defied some of the gross stereotypes, but he was also a good and compassionate listener, so the speaker could find herself believing she saw agreement, where she was merely observing understanding (which of course, conservatives don't have either).  Meanwhile, I was reeling.  I was really starting to fall for this guy in a big way, but a conservative?  How could I possibly?  I mean, how could I introduce a guy like this to my father?  to my friends?

I think it was around this time that we had some discussions about tolerance, inclusiveness and open-mindedness and what these concepts really mean.  You know, that you actually listen to what someone is saying before you jump to conclusions about their ideas, that you judge someone by the content of their character rather than the newspaper they read, that you accept superficial differences as a normal part of the human condition, and perhaps most radically of all, that two well-educated and thoughtful human beings can research and discuss a controversial concept and reach different conclusions.

Well, being half in love, and always open to a well-reasoned argument, I came to see his points.  Conservatives are people too.  Once in a while (not often mind you) they might even be correct! I didn't start listening to Rush Limbaugh, but I made room in my mind for some truly new ideas.  I allowed myself to fall deeply in love with and eventually marry this wonderful man with his nearly imperceptible but tragic flaw.  I consoled myself with the fact that, as a permanent resident, he's not allowed to vote.

After a couple of years of marriage, we had a baby (how quaint, no?).  The love-of-my-life arranged things at his company so he could work from home, to have more time with his family (he saved himself from three hours on the road each weekday).  After a couple of years, we concluded that staying in that part of the country was no longer necessary for his career, and we were free to return to my home state, where most of my relatives still live.  This sweetheart willingly gave up close contact with his family and friends, so I could be closer to mine.  There was one other problem, my home state is much more liberal.  
 
I have noticed, since we have moved this more liberal land, that my husband is frequently the target of just the sort of ignorant bigotry I displayed so many years ago.  This troubles me, because I don't like to see my dear one attacked, but also because the attackers think of themselves as being oh so open-minded and inclusive.  If they limited themselves to the issues at hand and savaged his well-thought-out, but ultimately incorrect, conclusions, I would be all for it. But they often resort to nasty name-calling, ridiculous presumptions, or conviction and sentence without trial.  In short, they use the very tactics that they claim to revile.

Why do they do it?  Of course, it's not just Liberals who are guilty of this kind of thing.  Our country is very polarized, and we are encouraged to assimilate into one of only two legitimate camps.  My belief is that we are not accustomed to actually thinking about problems, and that we align ourselves with one party or another, based on ideas we already have.  Once we've made our choice, it's easy to swallow the whole line without taking the time to really analyze many of the bigger questions.  After that, it's a short step to demonizing those rotten people in the "other" party.  In my experience, the most ideological in either camp are those most prone to bigotry.  Personally I just have a harder time taking the overzealous nastiness of people who are preaching tolerance, a value that I happen to truly embrace, thanks at least in part, to the lessons I learned from loving a member of the opposition.  I wish other ideologues would take notice and do the same.

Human Attachment

Eons ago, when I was in college, I had a discussion with a post-modern philosophy professor about the possible biological underpinnings of morality. His view, of course, was that there was no such thing, that all we had were more or less persuasive arguments that people believed or didn't. I had decided to study anthropology because I believed I might discover universal human truths through understanding the wide variety of cultural adaptations that were known to science.  My professor was intrigued by my idea, though skeptical. I remember him asking me, "You mean that your view is based on something like health?"  He had understood completely, but neither of us had heard, at the time, about the emerging fields of evolutionary psychology or experimental philosophy or other interdisciplinary studies of all sorts that were just beginning to take off. Since then these disciplines have come into their own, and many current thinkers are confirming what I intuited back then--we are biologically adapted to certain kinds of behaviors, and when we act in accordance with our biology, we are actually happier as human beings.

One of the obvious standouts of human behavior is that we are social creatures. We cannot survive in isolation. We do not lay eggs in a hole in the sand and take off to let our babies fend for themselves. Our post-industrial society has led to a bit of a conundrum in this area. We are simultaneously less able than ever before to forage and fend for ourselves in the most basic ways. Most people I meet wouldn't know an edible wild plant, if it jumped into their salad bowl. On the other hand, people *feel* less dependent in a mechanized world where human beings are treated as "resources" that are used for specific functions and are easily replaceable. How many people notice when their favorite cashier at the local grocery store moves away, gets fired or dies? Even if we notice they're missing, it doesn't change our lives in any significant way. Contrast this with the loss of the best hunter or the "medicine woman" in a band of foragers. These losses would have deep and significant impact on day-to-day realities of survival compounded by the emotional stress of losing a beloved family/community member.

Bands of foragers (hunter-gatherers) tend to be biologically and/or matrimonially related. Groups tend not to get larger than 60 people. Everyone is known intimately, for a lifetime. New members come in through marriage and birth, and members leave through marriage or death. Marriages tend to take place between groups that are well-known to each other and have kinship and language ties. All of this is to say, relationships are extremely close, probably to an extent we cannot really even grasp in a modern context. In our world, it is not at all unusual for a baby to be born, be fed with a bottle of artificial milk and placed in the care of virtual strangers within six weeks. The caregivers will change within the given institution, even if the parents strive to maintain continuity of place. Within a couple of years, the child will be transferred to a "school" type setting, where her peers and teachers will change every year until she graduates and moves into a world that is even less stable. There is a 50% chance that her parents will split up (if they were ever married) during her childhood, and she will lose even that stability. There is also a good chance that she will not live near her extended family, that she will not stay in one neighborhood for the duration, that if she does, she will not really know her neighbors, etc.

I remember watching a PBS reality show called "Frontier House" a few years ago. People were selected to live in conditions that were similar to those of the settlers of the American West, and were filmed doing their daily chores and having interactions with their peers. The challenges, as you can imagine, were formidable. Though people understood that their survival did not depend on their abilities, there was still a lot at stake. No one wanted to be seen as a failure on national TV, plus their actual comfort was very much on the line. One of the things that really struck me about the follow-up interviews was how everyone, when back in their comfortable homes, seemed so much unhappier. They recalled their time on the show as being some of the most satisfying weeks of their lives. When surveys of happiness are conducted, we in the "modern world" are always at the bottom, people in traditional societies are at the top. I have heard people conclude that "stuff does not bring us pleasure", which I believe is only partly true. I have no desire to live without indoor plumbing or electricity. I do not believe for a minute that giving those things up will add to my or my family's happiness. It seems obvious that it is the human connection, the real interdependence, that makes the difference.

In fact these ideas are not even very controversial within the psychological community.  For instance, there is almost no debate about the critical importance of childhood attachment to one's primary caregiver, the data on divorce are clear (it is detrimental to kids in every measurable way, in almost all cases), people who report more close relationships with friends and family members also report being happier (and healthier!).  Yet when these studies are published, we hear a tremendous amount of debate.  Though these ideas are understood by science, our current cultural adaptations are at odds with our more basic needs.  So we hear people rationalizing by citing the "resilience" of children, the importance of economic success, and the primacy of one's own "fulfillment". It seems that we are terribly ill-equipped to manage worthwhile relationships and especially to stay committed (whence our examples?) and since we feel so cheated ourselves, we have a difficult time giving to others (we are so needy) and breaking the cycle of disconnection and selfishness.

So how can we live in a more connected way without giving up the comforts of technology, without overturning our current cultural practices in one fell swoop (which could never work anyway)? I believe that technology, in fact, holds part of the answer. People can now work from home in a way that was simply not possible a generation ago. My husband does. He is in the house most days, but with the aid of a computer, an internet connection and a telephone, he can interview people all over the world, write articles, blogs and tweets, edit and publish without needing to go to his office in New York (we live on the West Coast). There are dozens of other ways to increase our closeness with one another, and improving connection with our fellows, in any way, will benefit us as individuals and as a society. Some examples that will be explored in future posts are: knowing oneself in order to make wiser personal and career decisions; choosing one's life partner carefully in order to stay committed; bonding with one's children and maintaining a safe and loving home; staying connected with one's extended family, especially by living nearby; choosing a neighborhood and community and settling down; actively participating in the local community, through recreational activities, politics, religious affiliation, volunteering, and/or economic activities.

Further Reading:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
http://www.livescience.com/14402-divorce-plagues-kids-social-academic.html
http://web.med.harvard.edu/sites/RELEASES/html/christakis_happiness.html
http://healthland.time.com/2010/12/12/religions-secret-to-happiness-its-friends-not-faith/
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704243904575630541486290052.html

I Really Don't Hate Christmas

Phineas and Ferb's Dr. Doofenshmirtz gives us his take

Unlike the bad doctor, I in fact love Christmas.  So what?  Millions of people love Christmas.  It is true, but most of them are religious to one degree or another.  I on the other hand, am a committed atheist.  I do not believe in God, or gods, or soul, or spirit, or astrology, or the power of crystals.  Most atheists hate Christmas, and at this time of year, you will find them expounding on various aspects of the holiday that disturb them, from the fact that it is an amalgam of various pagan holidays, to the fact that it's not really the date of Jesus's birth, to the fact that some Christians choose this opportunity to become aggressive about their beliefs, or to the fact that the U.S. is supposed to be a pluralistic and secular culture.  Again, so what?  Just because all of these things are true, is no reason to chuck one of the funnest set of rituals we have.

Full disclosure, I was not raised in a religious household, though both of my parents came from a protestant background, and my mother clearly retained those beliefs.  We did not attend church as a family, but my mom read us Bible stories and told us they were true.  We celebrated all of the major Christian holidays with gusto, and most of my relatives are practicing Christians of the low church, protestant variety.  We were taught that Santa Claus was real, and I believed in Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman, toy-making elves, and practically anything else you can think of.  And I thought it was magical and wonderful!  I was not in any way traumatized when I discovered that these things were imaginary.  In fact, I continued to pretend to believe for a number of years after I stopped actually believing.  I can remember lying in bed at night, getting myself all psyched up for Santa's visit, and being delighted at the full stockings and presents under the tree on Christmas morning, despite my complete understanding that my mom did all of the work.  It was still transformative--a beautiful day of light and plenty at the darkest time of the year.  And that was only the beginning!  Later in the day, the house would fill with family and feasting.  There would be tons of laughter and special treats and game time after dinner, with multiple generations sharing in the fun.

So my particular psychological circumstances lead me to continue to embrace Christmas, but I also have cultural grounds.  I love tradition, and I don't see the need to reject a harmless practice, based on a lack of religious belief.  I'm pretty sure nobody still believes that one's soul flies out the mouth during a sneeze, and yet countless people continue to say "Bless you" as a means of expressing concern for the health of our loved ones.  One of the best ways to look at celebrations is to conduct a thought experiment.  Imagine yourself visiting a foreign culture, and finding yourself in the midst of joyous holiday preparations.  Everything is completely unfamiliar to you, but your hosts graciously invite you to join in the festivities, promising delicious foods, singing, decorations, games, drinks, and a generally raucous good time.  You are welcomed as a guest and treated as an esteemed friend.  I cannot believe that there are many atheists who would turn down such an opportunity to celebrate Diwali, say, in India, yet they resentfully refuse to participate in their own culture's festive time.  If you truly reject religion, then you are free to embrace the secular aspects of Christmas, and the fact that so many pagan traditions are woven into our celebration makes it all the more fun and interesting to me.

So Jesus wasn't even born on December 25?  And?  Maybe he never even existed at all as a historical personage.  The non-literal nature of myth does not lessen its power.  We don't cease to study the powerful stories of the ancients, because we doubt Zeus's supremacy.  Jesus wasn't truly the son of God, but the story of His divine birth is arguably the very best part of Christianity.  It is the story of the mundane miracle of human life.  Every birth is remarkable, even those that take place in the most humble of circumstances.  Every human being, pauper or king, comes into the world in the same way.  We begin our lives as equals, and we are all in possession of a little bit of the eternal, the transcendent, simply by taking part in the beauty and the terror that is conscious existence.

Christmas is the way generations of people have decided to take a stand against the cyclical darkness and chill.  So we blaze up our windows and lawns, we grab a little greenery and bring it inside, we toss in anything with color or shimmer, we celebrate the birth of a baby when confronted with the death of our trees and crops, we feast while our stores are high in preparation for the lean months ahead, we sing into the silence, we announce our presence and we assert our will before the overwhelming power of nature.

N.B.  Even though it should go without saying, I will still say that we need to always respect the stories and traditions of others (including practicing Christians in our own nation) and shouldn't make assumptions about people's beliefs or lack thereof.  Offering a hearty "Season's Greetings!" should cover all the bases without offense, and graciously accepting a "Merry Christmas", "Happy Hanukkah", "Blessed Kwanzaa" or "Happy Diwali" should be the obvious response when wished well by a practitioner of another faith.