Breaking up with Facebook

I recently quit Facebook. It was a pretty big part of my life for quite a long time, so I’m feeling the loss. Unsurprisingly, I miss keeping in touch with friends and relatives in one convenient location. I also miss the buzz of social interaction, even if I’m only observing from the sidelines. I think these two factors are the biggest draws for most people to social media in general, but to Facebook in particular. It has done a tremendously good job of creating an environment of participation and interconnecting social worlds. I have friends who range from mildly introverted to fully agoraphobic who have found this medium to be tremendously useful for being active and involved with other human beings (a universal need). I also know people who suffer from various illnesses who find tremendous comfort in having an opportunity for online community.

A more surprising loss for me has been having an outlet for my random little thoughts throughout the day. I’m an external processor—I feel the need to share my ideas before they seem complete to me. Facebook was a great way to get this done without annoying my husband and friends with frequent interruptions during the day. Truthfully, I also crave external validation. I have a hard time completing even the most trivial task without receiving some kind of affirmation. Should I be able to do this for myself? Absolutely, but I guess I still have some growing up to do, because I still want other people to pat me on the back for a job well done. This is especially true for tasks that I find boring, but necessary, or very challenging. I also miss having a one-stop posting venue for updates about the kids and their witticisms.

So why did I leave? I found that Facebook was distorting my perceptions of reality in a number of ways—primarily through repeated online interactions with friends of varying degrees of real life intimacy and through the reinforcement of preconceptions. Both of these are huge issues which I will treat separately, but I’d also like to mention the usual issues such as the lack of privacy and the aggressive advertising. Pretty much everyone acknowledges the need for Facebook to make money through advertising; what people object to is the way it’s done. Do they really have to own everyone’s personal photographs in order to make money?

The distortion of friendship via social media is something that I think is underappreciated, if acknowledged at all. While there are absolutely genuine and important functions for these media to play (see above) it is also true that repeatedly interacting with folks tends to raise their importance in our minds (and also to move them to the top of our news feeds.) I have been thrilled to reconnect with dear old friends as well as high school buddies and former coworkers. I had a policy of only accepting (or issuing) friend requests from/to folks that I actually had met in real life, so I didn’t have the disturbing issue of phony persons interacting with me. (My husband went through quite a dramatic encounter with one such entity, who was part of a political forum that he helped moderate.) Facebook facilitated the deepening of some of these relationships for me, and for that I am truly grateful.  However it also had the unsettling and largely unconscious effect of overemphasizing relationships based on frequency.  Some of these popular apps would tell you who your “best friends” were based on Facebook interactions, but clearly someone who was not part of the community could never be seen as such, nor could someone who simply doesn’t use the medium that often. The cynical, paranoid part of me sort of believes that that’s exactly the intended consequence—that the powers that be in this company would like for us to use our real world influence to pressure our friends and relatives to “join the borg”. Such a science-fictionesque reading is not necessary though to be troubled that my brain is being subtly influenced (through frequency of contact and placement in my feed) to think that my long, lost, high school buddy is actually a more important “friend” than my mother (who was, until very recently, not on Facebook at all, and still is an infrequent user.) Many of my favorite people are not a part of the Facebook community, and some people that I don’t even really get along with that well were constant contributors to my “news feed”. Folks were also disproportionately represented by the amount of time they had to dedicate to the project. Independent contractors, retirees, stay-at-home parents, and the unemployed made up a large proportion of the posters in my personal FB world. That left all of those other folks, who just didn’t have the time, out of the loop, but of course they aren’t less important to me because they have work that precludes their access to a computer during the day. It was a lot easier to keep in touch with everyone in one place, but some people weren’t there. Now everyone is on an equal footing again.

Which brings me to the second big issue for me—reinforcement of preconceptions, homogeneity of thought and/or overreaction to dissent. It turns out that folks on Facebook, by and large, only want affirmation for their already accepted beliefs. I found this out the hard way. I tried to engage in dialogue, but I was clearly told that it was not desired. Unfortunately for me and my friends, it took me a few spectacular failures before I finally accepted that this was a deep truth that I could not change. One of the big differences between the written word and the spoken word is emotional context. I have no doubt that with the majority of these friends, I could have easily and relatively calmly expressed my objections to their viewpoint without any great acrimony, but the written word does not as readily convey the underlying empathy and connection that a personal conversation does. In fact, one thoughtful and mature friend took the time to stop an online debate in midstream to pick up the phone and give me a call. We had a very nice, civil discussion, which had the effect of driving home for me the preference for a voice conversation over a written one. Another important contributor to the inherent difficulties Facebook communications is the fact that it is a public forum, and as such we have the additional aspect of individuals feeling the need to “save face” or avoid embarrassment. Generally people are more receptive to changing their views if they have time to process the conflicting or new information in private, and they don’t want to feel publicly chastised or corrected. While I understand and appreciate these dynamics, I think they end up accentuating a growing problem in our nation—polarization. This was really made clear to me during the recent election cycle. I believe on the one hand that people feel bombarded by oppositional points of view. With the tacit understanding that it’s not polite to disagree, we’re left with feeling that the “other side” is “pushing” their ideas on us. This feeling creates a reactionary feeling where we end up, on the other hand, pushing our own views out there, again with the clear understanding that we are only looking for sympathy and agreement. I think this creates a vicious cycle of feeling aggrieved and being unwilling to engage. In real life, we largely avoid these more hostile feelings by concentrating on our connections, such as our belonging to the same family during a holiday meal or being members of the same church or club. When our connection is narrowed to the types of interactions that are possible in cyberspace, and when our ability to disengage is as easy as one click, we leave ourselves vulnerable to increasing intolerance.

So I am done, at least for now, I want to go back to something more authentic and traditional, you know like email and texting—only partly kidding. But seriously, even with these other forms of new technology, there is a more level playing field—no one can “promote” themselves, nor do they get moved to the top of the heap just because of the frequency of interaction. I’m also going to try to spend some time on the blog and Twitter. I like Twitter, because for me, it’s a non-stop stream of fascinating articles, which was one of the big draws to Facebook in the first place. People seem to be posting fewer of them on FB these days too, which is another disincentive for me. So I’m not forgetting about social media altogether, but I’m taking my time to do other things.

How to be a Better Facebook Friend

I’ve seen a lot of advice on etiquette and also how to avoid embarrassing ourselves and others on Facebook, especially in terms of how our work colleagues might view us. But I haven’t seen much advice on how to be a better friend—how to be more considerate and encourage more connection. Because there are almost always at least two sides to every issue, I’m presenting a “flipside” too—a way of looking at the irritating behavior that might soften our perceptions. 

1) Do make a comment or click “like” if you’ve read and been touched by a status update or link. Sometimes we read something, but we’re not really sure about our reactions, or in fact we disagree. You don’t have to go into a long discourse, you can just say something like, “interesting” or “thought-provoking” or “not sure if I agree; have to think more on this”. Making a very short comment takes little time, but gives your friend positive feedback that she is posting information that you relevant.

The flipside: Don’t assume people didn’t read or weren’t interested in something, just because they failed to comment. A lot of people are rushed or don’t know what to say, but they were touched or influenced all the same.

2) Do take a moment to offer condolences or sympathy to a friend going through a difficult time. I think many people fail to do this, because they feel awkward or don’t know what to say. This is a time when repeating the words of others is completely fine. There are no points for originality—just showing support is the important thing. A few quick ideas, “My sympathies are with you.” “My condolences to you.” “My heart goes out to you.” “My thoughts are with you.” Or if you are religious, “I am praying for you.” I was very hurt and angry that most of my “friends” and even some of my family, failed to offer sympathy when my sister was on the brink of death in the ICU. The comments I did receive gave me great comfort during those long, lonely night hours at her side.

The flipside:  Don’t assume that people have seen your status update, or that they know what’s going on in your life, just because you posted it on Facebook. I have missed many important notifications, simply as a result of not being logged on when they came through. If it’s important, consider tagging the most relevant people when you post, or better yet send them a private email or text or make a phone call.

3) Don’t post links to articles or videos (or graphs, cartoons, etc.) that can be perceived as controversial, if you cannot tolerate disagreement on your wall. This should be obvious, but it is not. People want to post things that are meant to be persuasive to bring “other people” around to their point of view, and then they get irate that someone disagrees with them. However much you want your wall to be your own private relaxation space, it is nevertheless a public forum. You know you have friends that don’t agree with your every view (in fact you were almost certainly targeting them with your link) so don’t act shocked when they let you know.

The flipside: Don’t offer your dissenting opinion to “friends” you don’t know well. It is clearly the case that many people do not like others to disagree with them on Facebook . If you see that a friend is often engaged in debate, it is probably fair to offer your two cents, but even then you can be surprised.

4) Do avoid vaguebooking. This has been much-discussed, but needs to be said again. Do not post random song lyrics, passages from books or quotes from movies without attribution. At best, this makes many people feel lost.  At worst, they could feel deliberately excluded. Similarly do not post tantrums about unnamed individuals.  It’s just rude and not productive.  Example: “I hate nasty bitches!” At best people are thinking, “No shit. Who doesn’t?” At worst they’re thinking you are thoughtless and cruel or they might feel anxious that they are the targets of your rant. If you have a problem with someone, address him directly, like a grown-up, or choose to let it go, truly.

The flipside: Don’t make assumptions about the meaning behind a vague post. When you see examples of this, just ignore it. We all have bad days, and sometimes we need to vent or we haven’t really thought out the implications of our actions. If someone does this repeatedly, and it gets under your skin, you can hide her updates.

5) Don’t announce that you are deleting friends. At best, no one cares. At worst, you will provoke anxiety. Just do it, and keep quiet. Also, think before you decide to include or exile someone from your Facebook circle. We should always be thinking about how to maintain and strengthen connections. If you’re not sure about someone, don’t add her to your friends’ list in the first place. If you are annoyed at someone, think long and hard about the reasons why. It is too easy to drop a friend for simple disagreement. This can lead to real world awkwardness and be damaging to personal growth.

The flipside: Don’t obsess about someone’s post that they’re purging. Ignore it. If you don’t survive the cut, ask yourself: So what? A person you barely knew chose to delete you from his friends list. It is not in any way a reflection on your value as a human being. Also, you do not know their reasons. Often times it has less to do with you than with them. It might sound cliché, but it’s true. On the other hand, if you find that many people are dropping you from their list of friends, you might ask yourself if you are falling short in your responsibilities.

6) Don’t post multiple links in a row. Keep it to two or three maximum per session. I have a few friends and organizations that I really value, who have great things to contribute, so I don’t want to hide them. But, I get overwhelmed when they post link after link. I’ve had to wade through two pages of Youtube video links to get to the next status update by another friend. This is not fair. I’m pretty sure no one wants to do that.

The flipside: Don’t assume negative intent. Most likely people who do this are caught up in their thing, and haven’t noticed that the links are piling up. Also, I know that some folks don’t post regularly, but kind of “dump” when they do get on. If this really bugs you, you can hide the person. Of course, the standard “ignore it” applies, as always.

Why I Love a Conservative (Even Though I'm a Liberal)

He's extraordinarily handsome, which is the first thing I noticed about him when I walked into a Saturday morning mythology course at my university.  But that's not terribly relevant.  The next thing I noticed, as class got underway, was that he is exceptionally articulate, sensitive, observant and intelligent.  Now I went to a state school, so in these elective courses it was unusual to meet up with another intense, passionate and engaged individual of any stripe.  As we got to know each other over the semester and during the holiday break, I saw that he was open-minded, generous, thoughtful and tolerant.  I discovered that he was a philosophy major, a musician, a soccer player, and a U.S. green card holder but a European citizen, which in my mind, added to his cachet.  I was a good little liberal at the time, who knew that conservatives were scumbag, racist, greedy, ignorant, jingoistic, religious fanatics.  So you can imagine my shock when one day, after having many lovely discussions over the previous months, talk turned to politics, and I discovered that this gorgeous hunk of Renaissance manhood, this sweet, sensitive, kind-hearted human being was, dunh, dunh, dunh...a conservative.

My new friend was bemused by my reaction.  He told me that people often got the impression that he was liberal in his political ideas, and we speculated as to why.  He certainly defied some of the gross stereotypes, but he was also a good and compassionate listener, so the speaker could find herself believing she saw agreement, where she was merely observing understanding (which of course, conservatives don't have either).  Meanwhile, I was reeling.  I was really starting to fall for this guy in a big way, but a conservative?  How could I possibly?  I mean, how could I introduce a guy like this to my father?  to my friends?

I think it was around this time that we had some discussions about tolerance, inclusiveness and open-mindedness and what these concepts really mean.  You know, that you actually listen to what someone is saying before you jump to conclusions about their ideas, that you judge someone by the content of their character rather than the newspaper they read, that you accept superficial differences as a normal part of the human condition, and perhaps most radically of all, that two well-educated and thoughtful human beings can research and discuss a controversial concept and reach different conclusions.

Well, being half in love, and always open to a well-reasoned argument, I came to see his points.  Conservatives are people too.  Once in a while (not often mind you) they might even be correct! I didn't start listening to Rush Limbaugh, but I made room in my mind for some truly new ideas.  I allowed myself to fall deeply in love with and eventually marry this wonderful man with his nearly imperceptible but tragic flaw.  I consoled myself with the fact that, as a permanent resident, he's not allowed to vote.

After a couple of years of marriage, we had a baby (how quaint, no?).  The love-of-my-life arranged things at his company so he could work from home, to have more time with his family (he saved himself from three hours on the road each weekday).  After a couple of years, we concluded that staying in that part of the country was no longer necessary for his career, and we were free to return to my home state, where most of my relatives still live.  This sweetheart willingly gave up close contact with his family and friends, so I could be closer to mine.  There was one other problem, my home state is much more liberal.  
 
I have noticed, since we have moved this more liberal land, that my husband is frequently the target of just the sort of ignorant bigotry I displayed so many years ago.  This troubles me, because I don't like to see my dear one attacked, but also because the attackers think of themselves as being oh so open-minded and inclusive.  If they limited themselves to the issues at hand and savaged his well-thought-out, but ultimately incorrect, conclusions, I would be all for it. But they often resort to nasty name-calling, ridiculous presumptions, or conviction and sentence without trial.  In short, they use the very tactics that they claim to revile.

Why do they do it?  Of course, it's not just Liberals who are guilty of this kind of thing.  Our country is very polarized, and we are encouraged to assimilate into one of only two legitimate camps.  My belief is that we are not accustomed to actually thinking about problems, and that we align ourselves with one party or another, based on ideas we already have.  Once we've made our choice, it's easy to swallow the whole line without taking the time to really analyze many of the bigger questions.  After that, it's a short step to demonizing those rotten people in the "other" party.  In my experience, the most ideological in either camp are those most prone to bigotry.  Personally I just have a harder time taking the overzealous nastiness of people who are preaching tolerance, a value that I happen to truly embrace, thanks at least in part, to the lessons I learned from loving a member of the opposition.  I wish other ideologues would take notice and do the same.